i feel unpretty everytime i look at the mirror. who am i? i look so stupid with that fucking skinny body. i hate my body. it's so stupid. i just realize that i hate my body. the bones are pretty small. my fingers are so small. i have black freckles around the nose. and black circle around my eyes. and sometimes i hate my lips tho. i have small shirt size, like extra small size that sometimes i hate. it's really hard to find the perfect size of shirt for me.
people keep asking me once a week at least to gain more weight, just few kilos because i look like a death bones. i used to be careless for what people said about my weight, 'cause i loved it. but their words keep spinning around. because when i got sick, they'll blame me for the weight.
"Oh you're so underweight that's why you frequently got sick."
"You should gain more weight, you're too skinny."
"You don't like to eat that much?"
"Your parents doesn't feed you enough, does they?"
those words got me really really tired. i used to loved my body and all of my weakness. but now, it kinda makes me feel EXHAUSTED. i feel unworthy enough. i feel unhappy. i feel unhealthy. so my body got thinner than i thought.
"You think too much. You think about people who doesn't even think about you."
"Don't make it as a burden."
NO. i don't even think about people who doesn't think about me or think about the fucking stupid other things. NO. i just.... i don't know. maybe because i am the most moody person on this planet. that's why everything around me affects me. uncomfortable situation around affects my mood. sometimes i hate being that moody. it's not good at all.
and when i feel the pain, no one stays. i never ask someone to stay with me though the pain. i just cried out when got rejected. and just feel ugly.
and i just realized that after 3 years lately, i have never felt completely happy with my life. exhausting day for the last 3 years, every single day. exhausting life. so i lose my weight. i wish people knew how much i wanted to gain more weight. so i don't look like a corpse.
because i just.... lose my confidence. i just...... lose my self-love.